Is wellness an unattainable goal in today's society? It certainly seems so. How many of us feel like we are in a perpetual loop of one step forward two steps back. You know “self-care” is important, so you book that massage, get your nails done, hit the gym, take a bubble bath and partake in all of the activities that promise the elusive de-stressing. Our intentions are to be present and enjoy but all you are thinking about during your “me” time are the responsibilities that are waiting for you when you get home, tomorrow or the next day. It doesn’t really help, and the next time you consider taking time for yourself, you start questioning whether it was even worth taking the time, when instead you could be much more “productive”  using that time to bang out that to-do list. Surely, if the list is less you will feel better, so self care falls to the bottom of the list, or gets crammed in when everyone else is busy.

The idea that stress is directly related to the amount of items on the to-do list and that working to shorten that list will certainly bring us less stress and more happiness is simply false. We go on vacations to escape the list. We have whole weekends that we dedicate to scratching things off the list and we basically schedule our loves around the list, squeezing in living when it fits. This concept of shortening the list has to be the biggest falsehood known to adults and we continue to perpetuate the lie. Not only does the list never disappear, it grows exponentially. We are going through the motions waiting for the day the list is clear before we can feel calm, at ease and peaceful. It’s a perpetual cycle that certainly won’t ever end and still we have an aversion to prioritizing our own needs in real time. They never seem to make it on the list of have to’s, because our ego thinks we handle it. 

I myself have an aversion to the phrase self care. It’s the new buzzword in the wellness space and much like the word “yoga” it has a very specific connotation that simply was not the intended definition of the word, as discussed in our blog post The purpose of yoga, how we are missing the mark. When you think about self care the first thing that probably pops into your mind are all the things mentioned above, bubble baths, massages and other things that can equally be considered indulgent. Because we have interchanged self care and self indulgence we have therefore changed the definition of self care as negotiable or worse, a commodity that only some have the privilege of being able to participate in. Instead of filling us and being the answer to all that ails us, self care in its current iteration adds to the problem, bringing with it a sense of guilt and shame that we then feel we have to justify. If you want to take a bubble bath, get a massage or get your nails done, do it! You don’t need permission to do something you enjoy, but we also don't need to justify our desire to do those things by claiming they will benefit us on a deeper level, when they likely are a very temporary reprieve from the real problem.

Wellness, in its purest form, is not self care. It isn’t a privilege that only some can afford and it certainly isn’t an indulgence. Finding your path to wellness is not self care, it’s self nurturing. We all understand the concept of nurturing, but it is almost completely lost on ourselves. To nurture is to encourage growth and development. To create an environment where something can thrive. Most parents understand this concept as it pertains to their kids. We sign them up for all the things so they can feel fulfilled and well rounded, we cater to them, encourage them, we are careful with how we speak to them and constantly wonder how we can do it better. When was the last time you were so present and intentional with yourself? 

In order for an individual to really begin the process of self nurturing, they must first clearly define their nurture equity. Equity being the idea that in order to be on an even playing field, the needs of individuals may vary. Some people need more and some people need less. If everyone gets the same thing or the same amount, that doesn’t always mean everyone winds up in the same place. For me, the practice of yoga, in all its many facets has helped me to understand on a deep level, where my level of nurture equity is. If I am in a constant state of giving with no replenishment, eventually everyone suffers, because I am no longer capable of giving them the type of nurturing they need from me. Everyone needs nurturing in various degrees from various places. Finding your nurture equity is defining the amount that you need to continue to grow and thrive. This is an ever changing need that requires constant recalibration. For me spending an hour getting my nails done, does nothing for me. Spending 10 minutes a day meditating, life changing. It isn’t the amount of time spent on yourself, it’s about the benefit the things you choose to put your energy into have on your mind, body spirit.

If you know you are out of balance and have no idea how to begin to address that, the first step is allowing yourself the space and time to go inward. When you learn how to quiet your mind, and detach from the chaos, you give yourself the gift of being able to actually hear the inner wisdom we all have. This wisdom is as individual as you are and it knows exactly what you need to feel whole and balanced, give it the space to be heard!